All Adoption Stories
The Presence of Absence
Imagine a May Pole, with three shining ribbons streaming from the top. One ribbon is the deepest of purples, another, the richest of greens, and the third, the most vibrant of reds.
It's a beautiful summer's day and several young children dressed in white are dancing around the streaming ribbons, with arms outstretched, trying to touch the ribbons. They have no idea of the significance of the ribbons, or that their life task as adoptees is to braid these ribbons someday.
They do know, however, the basics of adoption because their parents have openly shared with them from day one. Adoption and the subject of birth parents are not foreign subjectsthey are part of the beautiful dynamics of our family. Let's pray for your birth parents, adoptive parents may emphasize regularly.
As early as age three, your child may ask when she can meet her birth mother/father. However, adopted children don't truly comprehend the depth of meaning in those words and parrot their birth and adoption stories, grinning from ear to ear. This is misleading for parents because you may believe the big grin and happy story are indicative your child's peace about adoption . Remember, that adoption , just like everything else in life, involves pain as well as pleasure, and your child will discover that in the years ahead.
Start Early with a Coloring Project
By the age of two or three, when your child shows likes coloring, grab the opportunity to engage him with a coloring project called The Story of the Braided Ribbons, located at www.adoptionjewels.org (downloadable on your computer). To make it a keepsake, print it in color on parchment paper. Reinforce the words Birth Mother/Father, Mom and Dad, and Adoptee. Explain to the child Red is for you, because you were adopted. Purple is for mommy and daddy because we adopted you, and green is for your birth mother and father because we love them for giving you to us. Every time you mention a color, have the child color part of the braid. Coloring will be scribbles, but you will be taking your child to the next level of adoption awareness and understanding. Perhaps your child can create one of these each year and you can include them in his Life book.
Buy Ribbons for a Braid
When your child reaches seven or eight, her cognitive abilities have further developed and she'll be able be able to reason, Yes, I was adopted, but first I was sent away. Questions and tumultuous emotions will arise at the most inconvenient times (while you're in the bathroom or in the car at a busy intersection). Why did she give me away? Was I a bad baby? Did I cry too much?
This is prime time to teach them how to braid their ribbons because they now have the ability to begin understanding abstract concepts. Tell your child that you're going to do a fun adoption project together. Prior to this, you may want to show him the braids he colored when younger, reminding him of the meanings of the colors. Take him with you to the fabric store and let him choose red, purple, and green ribbons.
Tell her that an exciting part of being an adoptee is coming to understand how each person involved in her adoption is related to her and what they have given her to help her become the wonderful person she was created to be. Say, Each ribbon has a purpose, each a vital contribution, and each a unique position with the other ribbons. Each ribbon is a work of art, but braided together, they become a magnificent masterpiece.
Teach that every time she discovers something new (feelings, thoughts, or facts) about her birth and adoptive families, whether hurtful or happy, it is an opportunity to make an addition to her braid. Explain that it's okay to feel sad, mad, glad, or scared about adoption and that she can share these feelings with you.
Deepen the message about the significance of the colors. The purple ribbon represents your adoptive family, chosen to nurture you when you were given to us from your birth family. The green ribbon represents your birth family and their special gifts to you, like the gift of birth. The red ribbon represents you--a unique weaving together of nature and nurture into one marvelous human being, with awesome potential.
Teaching your child to weave every part of their story, whether painful or pleasurable, opens the door for helping them resolve upcoming teen identity issues of integrating their dual identity, of nature and nurture, and biology and adoption .
Get CreativeHow to Begin
Sherri is the author of Author of 20 Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Parents Knew and other fine books. Read other articles by Sherrie Eldridge
Avoiding the Pitfalls
Worth the Wait!
Part One of Two
A realistic look at International Adoption
Practical tips for new adoptive parents
"I think there was nothing random about the events of that day.."