Connecting With Our Children: 7 Core Issues in Adoption
All Adoption Stories
Learning Our Dance - Eight Months Home
"People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one." - Leo J. Burke
Dr. Sears: "Thou shalt cosleep, unless you don't really want that special bond we like to call attachment."
Dr. Ferber: "Thou shalt let them cry, unless you don't really want that thing we like to call a good night's sleep."
Dr. Dobson: "Good night's sleep? Have you considered a good night's spanking?"
Dr. Weissbluth: "If you don't sleep train them now, there's a 90% chance they'll be huffing paint behind the Quik-E-Mart by age 16."
That neighbor whose kid would have slept well even if raised by wolves: "Really? Our precious Tyler slept through the night since he was 2 months old ..."
Attachment therapist: "Never let their feet touch the ground ..."
Movement therapist: "But if she doesn't learn to crawl soon, her left brain will never talk to her right brain!"
Mother-in-law: "You're spoiling that child - she needs to cry it out."
APmom on your 4am chat group: "Cherish these magical middle-of-the-night bonding opportunities - not ever sleeping is a glorious gift!"
Dad: "Honey, the baby's crying ..."
Mom: "Honey, why don't you go cherish this particular magical moment ..."
Too many experts, not enough left brains talking to right brains. Too much opinion, not enough research. Too much crying, not enough sleeping. What's an adoptive parent to do? Read on, my sleepless friend, as we tiptoe through the too-often tendentious topic of SLEEP.
So much depends on adequate, restful sleep. We've got important work to do at night, from physical growth (80% of growth hormone is secreted while we sleep), to mental growth (integrating themes and memories of the day), to recharging cellular batteries, and other functions that we just haven't understood yet.
We all sleep in cycles, but children have unique sleep patterns. As infants, they have many sleep periods through a day, and a greater proportion of active (REM) sleep - about 50%, with the other half being "quiet sleep", a precursor to more developed Stages 1-4 of non-REM sleep. By 3-4 months, melatonin turns on, and infants organize their sleep into more of a day/night pattern. This is why it's silly to expect children to sleep through the night before 4 months.
By 6 months, the full cycle of non-REM and REM sleep is happening, but infants can get into Stages 3 and 4 (deep sleep) much faster than adults, and still spend more time in REM sleep. Deep non-REM sleep is important, since it's the most restorative phase of sleep, and is also when growth hormone is released. REM sleep seems to process and organize new memories and events, and is crucial to mental wellbeing.
By 3-4 years of age, children's sleep finally resembles adult sleep in quality, with 4-6 sleep cycles. The first half of the night has more non-REM sleep, with more REM sleep in the second half.
You'd think with something this important we'd be born good at it ... but we're not. Not even close. Just like walking and talking, the ability to fall asleep and stay asleep is something that is learned at developmentally appropriate times. How and when to help your child learn is the hard part.
Why bother? Sleep deprivation is being increasingly linked to emotional and behavioral problems, poor concentration, impulsivity, ADHD misdiagnoses, impaired learning, reduced physical performance, poor growth, headaches and bellyaches, and decreased immune function, not to mention family stress.
As for "sleeping through the night" ... nobody does. We all wake up to some degree several times a night, often when our sleep cycles from deep to lighter sleep. Arousals after REM sleep also occur, and tend to leave you more awake and alert. You may not be up long enough to remember it (that takes 3-5 minutes), but you do wake up, even without the "help" of your less sleep-skilled child. Our goal, thus, is not to "sleep through the night", but to promote healthy sleep associations and self-soothing skills so that your kids will fall back asleep when they wake 5 times every night.
How common are night wakings that you'll notice? By 4-6 months, babies are physiologically capable of sleeping through without feeding, but according to the 2004 Sleep in America poll, 70% of these infants still wake up and need help or attention, with 47% of toddlers, 36% of preschoolers, and 14% of school-age children also with notable wakenings. The numbers seem considerably higher in new adoptees, for reasons we'll address below. As far as other sleep difficulties go, the same poll revealed that 69% of all children experience one or more sleep problems, including stalling, bedtime resistance, and daytime sleepiness.
The following table is based on sleep surveys and recommendations from the National Sleep Foundation:
While each child is unique, it's rare for kids to genuinely need less sleep than these recommendations. As for the naps, children who nap are happier, have better attention spans, may learn better, and arrive at bedtime without being overly tired. Good naps lead to good night-time sleep, and vice-versa. "Sleep begets sleep." Just try to keep naps from lasting into the later afternoon. For a great discussion of the how and why of naps for one and all, see Sleepless in America.
Sleep disturbances are far and away the biggest initial concern for the new adoptive families that come to our clinic. Most new international adoptees sleep well enough on the trip home - quite possibly because they're thoroughly overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted by this transition. When you arrive home, 1-2 days of jet lag per time zone crossed is typical, but children often recover before grownups.
Learning as much as possible about the prior sleep environment and bedtime routines can be very helpful. But since orphanages can have unnaturally long naps and early bedtimes you may not want to follow their timetable precisely. Remember that children from orphanages may never have been alone in a room, and will need a prolonged transition to sleeping by themselves. Children in foster care may have quite evolved bedtime routines, transitional objects, and sleep habits ... such as cosleeping, which is common in Korea and many other countries. Even the clothes they came in have reassuring smells and associations, so keep them around ...
If the "cry-it-out" methods work as advertised, then why do kids from orphanages who've unfortunately been crying-it-out their whole lives sleep so poorly at first? Well, since almost every aspect of bedtime and your child's new sleep environment is different and thus "wrong" at first, it's natural that new adoptees have difficulty falling asleep and falling back asleep during night arousals. Your child's grief at the loss of familiar caregivers may erupt at night, and when you come to console them they may be expecting someone else.
New adoptees are usually so overstimulated (we call it "Disneyland syndrome") that they may blow right through sleepytime into an adrenaline-addled second or third wind. Also, your child is experiencing dramatically more love and stimulation, is having rapid catchup development, and we know that children working on new skills often obsessively practice or at least cogitate upon these new milestones. Nightime is no exception, and it's not unusual to find children happily or unhappily attempting new feats in the crib.
Children experiencing parental love and attention for the first time are understandably reluctant to give it up because someone says it's "bedtime". The early stages of a new attachment have an insecure, "velcro" quality, so it's normal for new adoptees to be anxious and insecure around bedtime. If they won't even let you have a bathroom break, how are they suppose to handle the big kahuna of daily separations - bedtime in their own crib? Add to that the fact that it's developmentally normal for kids to have a flareup of separation anxiety at around 18 months, and you got quite an anxious child on your hands.
Plus ... it's scary in the dark, even for many "home-grown" kids. On top of that, think of all the negative associations with nighttime your adoptive child may have had. Being cold, soaked through the rags that served as diapers, in a hard metal crib, with no one answering your cries, and waking up to a different shift of caregivers is not a good memory. Neither is hearing your first parents yell and hurt each other late at night.
Finally, children with histories of prematurity, prenatal substance exposures, lack of early responsive, regulating caregiving, and stressful/traumatic experiences can literally be wired differently, with real neurologic differences in sensory processing and self-regulation. Children with oversensitivities to sound, light, or touch are more likely have difficulty filtering these inputs out at night. Children with poor emotional and self-regulation experience their emotions more intensely, and have difficulty self-soothing. The process of "attunement" (a powerful emotional connection in which the caregiver recognizes, connects with, and shares the child’s inner states) with a responsive caregiver is necessary to help your child identify, organize, and work through their emotions. That attunement, more than "crying-it-out", is what will rewire your child so that they develop genuine self-soothing skills. Try to see initial nightime wakenings with empathy for where they're coming from and what they're now experiencing.
For all of these reasons, most adoption professionals do not recommend sleep training that involves prolonged crying in the first few months home.
You may have brought home an 18-month-old, but he/she may be emotionally younger in many ways, and your relationship itself is a bouncing brand new baby ... one that will keep you up more than you might like in the first few months. Plan on being more emotionally and physically available at night, and try to think of these nightime interactions as an opportunity for bonding, and a way to repeatedly show your new arrival that she is loved, safe, and well-cared for.
But keep your eyes on the prize -restful restorative sleep for all. It's never too early to set up good sleep habits, and help build self-soothing skills. You'll probably want to have both a transitional sleeping plan, and a longterm plan. Get the The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers or Sleepless in America, and one of the "sleep training" books (Sleeping Through the Night is my favorite, but see our list of recommended Sleep Books), and get down to learning and soul-searching about what's going to work for your family in the short and long-term.
While the transitional plan should probably involve some parental presence during sleep onset and night arousals, the longterm plan is up to you. It's a emotionally loaded powder-keg of competing sleep philosophies out there, and I'm not going to light the fuse. If you are loving, attentive, and attuned during the day, and have been responsive to transitional sleep issues in the first months home, you do have my permission to move into some modified "gentle" sleep training if that's what you need to do (prolonged hysterical crying does feel traumatizing to many of us, though). You also have my blessing to cosleep 'til the cows come home, as long as you're all cosleeping and not cosleepless.
Bottom line - know thyself, and know thy children. If they have histories of trauma or neglect, you don't want to reinforce those stress-forged neuro-endocrine pathways by retraumatizing them. If a method feels like torture, or just isn't helping your child, then try something else. Sleep training is not a one-size-fits-all solution; some children may settle quickly after a brief fuss that blows off some of the stresses of the day. Some will cry for HOURS and devolve into a sweaty, snot-smeared, how-dare-you-do-this-to-me, too-frantic-to-sleep zombie. And they'll do this every time the routine gets off and you have to "re-sleep-train". Weigh the risks and benefits for your family. What's worse, lonely frantic crying and loss of loving, attuned care at night, or having a dangerously sleep-deprived, depressed, not-so-attuned parent during the day? There's no right answer to that ... you need to trust your instincts here. That said, I do think Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's Sleepless in America is the closest I've read to "the right answer", since she skillfully walks you down the path of what underlies your child's sleep issues, and helps you adjust your approach to your child's temperament. Very very highly recommended.
After all this sleep theory, I know that you wanna get practical, so let's get into practical:
But first, more theory. Ha. Just kidding. Zeitgebers are the "time-givers", the environmental cues that set or reset our biological clocks. Because we run on a 25-hour clock, and the world runs on a 24-hour clock, we need daily cues to continually set our circadian rhythms. And trust me, you need these right now, especially if you just got off the plane.
Even if you're a free spontaneous spirit, your child is gonna need a bedtime routine. Young children thrive on predicability and routine, and that goes double for post-institutionalized children. How long should it be? How about 30-60 minutes ... sound too long? Well, how long does your child take to actually fall asleep after you "put them to bed"? Either you've just found some time that could be better spent on a cozy, bonding bedtime ritual, or you've won the sleep jackpot (don't tell the other parents). Here are some ideas for your bedtime routine ...
It's earlier than you think. In fact the ideal toddler bedtime is often somewhere between 6:30 to 8pm.
This here is the key ... the associations your child has with that golden moment of falling asleep will be the ones she needs each time she wakes in the middle of the night. Do everything in your power to let that moment be on her own. No feeding, no rocking at that moment, if you can. Stay in the room at first, by all means, stay next to the bed or even in it if you must ... you can wean that later if you want. Falling asleep is hard to do if you are anxious and having difficulty letting go ... Here are some ideas to help with the weaning process, which may take weeks to months.
Remember the sleep study statistics - 70% of infants, 47% of toddlers, 36% of preschoolers, and 14% of school-age children wake and need help at least once per night - these are normal, folks.
First things first - if there's a TV or computer in your child's room, banish it forthwith. They are the anti-sleep.
Courtesy of Dr Mindell, the following list of sleep problems may indicate that your child has a sleep disorder. If these issues are present, if sleep issues are getting worse not better, or if you're at the end of your rope, please talk to your health care provider.
29 May 2018
"I wasn’t given the same opportunity to grow up where I was born"
On his personal blog about adoption, fatherhood, and lessons learned, WACAP CEO Greg Eubanks shares about the relationship he and his youngest son have been working to recreate. With his son’s permission, he offers a few thoughts, with hindsight and from
Learning about Trust Based Relational Intervention (TBRI)
A mother recounts meeting her daughter's Korean foster mom 11 years after her adoption.
Inhale slowly, then exhale and allow your mind to follow your path to its ultimate end
"There was no real reason for me to cry, but my body just acted in the moment, and the next thing I knew, I was crying,”
Avoiding the Pitfalls