Divorce isn't the ending that any parent envisions when they begin the journey to adopt. In addition to the normal stress of a dissolved relationship, a parent may feel extra guilt over inflicting an additional trauma on a child with a history of loss. How you handle yourself during the process of divorce can mitigate some of the guilt: recognize that when a parent chooses to demonstrate a good ending to a bad situation, it can set an incredibly important example. Whether a couple's divorce is amicable or acrimonious, a child needs to be guided through his own pain and confusion. When a parent is able to display emotional leadership, and implement a family emotional-behavioral plan to weather the upheaval of divorce, it teaches an adoptee that there is life-after-loss. Ask yourself:
Understand that you and your spouse are the marriage role models that your children internalize and replicate. Divorce is a sad solution, but worse, is staying in a bad/sad/mad marriage and allowing your children to understand your negative relationship with your spouse as normal. Your marital relationship could become THEIR family structure as adults.
You cannot be the parent you need to be for your kids IF YOU ARE CHRONICALLY UNHAPPY or in a dysfunctional relationship. Get help or Get out.
Avoid building a loving, fantasy parent out of an absent-by-choice ex-spouse. You don't want your child to be hurt by a parent who shows little interest in visitation or who abandons your son or daughter, but it is better to place an honest, non-denigrating explanation where it belongs (on the absent parent's personal problems, or sad choices, for example), and to help your child deal with this loss upfront. Covering for an ex-spouse in order to protect your kids' feelings will eventually backlash at YOU.
Normalize therapy for your kids: Therapists are Feelings Doctors and we all could use a tune-up. If you are seeing a marriage counselor or individual therapist, tell your kids in a serious, but matter-of-fact manner. Talk about why smart people seek help. Your normalizing therapy as a healthy choice will go a long way in helping your child see a counselor, if it is indicated.
Divorce will trigger an adopted child's loss issues. It is an opportunity to identify and talk about the core issue of loss, validate feelings, offer empathy, and help build your child's resilience with coping skills. An adopted child's awareness of his feeling that divorce = abandonment, and WHY he feels the way he does, is a huge step toward him being able to successfully deal with the stress of this major life change.
Books for Parents and Children:
Copyright 2005 MacLeod, All Rights Reserved
Originally published in Adoption Parenting: Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections edited by Jean MacLeod & Sheena Macrae, Ph.D.
Read more of Jean MacLeod's Adoption Articles on Voices of Adoption
Avoiding the Pitfalls
Worth the Wait!
Part One of Two
A realistic look at International Adoption
Practical tips for new adoptive parents
"I think there was nothing random about the events of that day.."