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The Right to Hold You
When adopting multiple children in a sibling group, often the oldest child—usually a female—appears to have assumed the role as the caregiver for the other children, especially if they have previously been placed together in an orphanage or foster home. Perhaps you have heard the term “parentification.” This occurs when a child is forced, either due to abandonment by the adult/parent or to dysfunctional family circumstances, to assume the caregiving responsibilities of the family. It is a role reversal of sorts, in that the child essentially becomes the parent and is now the “one in charge.”
In instrumental parentification, the designated child completes the physical tasks for the family such as caring for the younger child(ren), dressing them, supervising/parenting them, assuring they are fed, and cleaning the home. This burden typically falls to the older child in the family and often arises due to abandonment by the actual parent(s) or the parents’ incapacity (medical, emotional, physical absence, substance abuse, mental health) to do so. It can be quite common when adopting sibling groups, whether that is in the United States or internationally. The older child takes on this role of surrogate parent because there was a void (i.e. absent parent) in the family and the loving older sibling steps in to fill it. The parentified child wants to desperately “keep the family together” and she feels this is one way to do it. This will keep her and her siblings from feeling abandoned yet again. The sad reality regarding parentified children is that they essentially take on a full-time job fraught with adult demands and responsibilities and, because they are just children themselves, they are not prepared for it.
The challenges for a parentified child are great. By assuming this role, children lose the opportunity to experience their own childhoods. It is truly destructive for them because while they take on this excessive responsibility and the burden of these caretaking duties, they are generally never supported or acknowledged by others while they are doing this hard work. It is a lonely and alienating job! In the process of functioning as the family caregiver, the child loses her own self-identity, anger and resentment build up, and it is sometimes impossible for the child to develop any friends or a peer support system. In many ways, they constantly struggle—to meet the needs of their family/siblings, to carry such a large adult burden, to never feel that what they are doing is enough, to protect their siblings from feeling abandoned, to rise to the unrealistic challenges that this life has presented to them at such a young age. Parentified children often internally experience low self-esteem, high levels of anxiety, depression, feelings of isolation, a sense of inadequacy, fear, stress, extreme anger, have a history of unmet emotional needs, and significant difficulties forming personal relationships.
However, what you as the parent may see first in your older adopted child are the public by-products of being parentified. To those who are trying to help a parentified child, she appears to be difficult, withdrawn at times, rebellious, manipulative , insensitive to others, avoids meeting the demands or requests of others, extremely angry with your attempts to intervene, controlling, and hyper-vigilant. The child may even tell their younger siblings to listen to her, instead of to you, the parent. She will often try very hard NOT to relinquish their role as the “parent” because she is not completely sure you have the ability to be the parent. After all, other adults have failed her in the past. She has often had years to become quite comfortable in the role as “parent” and she sees you as trying to take that away. In the parentified child’s mind, you are taking away her identity! If you do that, you remove what little self-esteem she still has. Since she does not know how to be a child, she thus becomes “nothing.”
So, what can you do? First, please understand that this will be a process, not an overnight “fix.” It likely took several years for the parentified child to internalize this role as “parent,” and it will take some time and efforts for her to relinquish it. Likewise, you should expect the younger siblings to also be confused about this familial chain of command. They now do not know who is “in charge” at this point—you or their older sibling. Consequently, they may respond to parenting from both of you due to their confusion.
Here are some ideas of things you can do with your parentified child to help her reduce these behaviors:
Photo Credit: Carissa Roberts
MLJ Adoptions is a Hague Accredited International Adoption Agency based in Indianapolis, Indiana. We provide ethical, compassionate and attentive adoption services to loving and committed families from across the United States and around the world. We’ve successfully placed over two hundred and fifty children through our international adoption programs in Bulgaria, Burkin...Learn more, see kids, or contact agency 617 E. North Street Indiana
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