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Adoption Disruption: When Love Isn't Enough
Adoption Disruption Discussed
February 01,2007 / Janice Sisneski
Untitled Document

Within the literature of adoption there are few references to the disruption of an adoption. Disruption is the termination of a family relationship between an adoptive parent and child.

Despite statistics that can be found online, disruption in international adoption is rare.

The stigma of disrupting an attempt to adopt a child, or even the finalized adoption, is viewed as a shameful act of abandonment and a failure on all those involved in the adoption process. It is parents' worse fear to adopt a child that they then find they cannot bond to, or that the child has behaviors that are not manageable within the family unit. The parent-child relationship is a 'mismatch' some say, and the child would be better off with a different family.

It's important to note that MANY families, especially mothers, feel overwhelmed after an adoption. Feelings run very high and manic for many parents pre-adoption, and the reality of a very real child can be simply crushing. But the key in these situations is for a family to be able to step-back, reach out for support and receive post-adoption services. A feeling of 'mismatch' when a child first comes home can be a distant memory a year after the adoption. Post-adoption depression and isolation in new adoptive parents are common and should not be ignored. With treatment and peer support, parents often get through the initial adjustment period with flying colors.

In fact, ask many families you know well who have adopted:  "Did you ever think this was a mistake" and many will honestly answer "YES" but then go on to tell you it was a temporary feeling that went away with time and the bonding process.

But what about when the adoption is truly a case of mismatch?

Joyce & Bill Hanson* adopted Jei Win, a 7-year-old, from China . The parents of 2 pre-teen boys, decided to finish their family with a beautiful little girl. They had been on adoption e-mail lists, talking to other parents of older adoptees for almost a year when they traveled. They felt prepared by these families and also by their supportive adoption agency's educational programs they had participated in. What they didn't expect was to meet a little girl who was firmly bonded with her foster family and had not been told she was being adopted. The child ran away from the family while in China , cried endlessly and through an interpreter the family realized that their daughter believed she had been kidnapped.

The first month home, Jei Win attacked both of her new brothers, ran away and even resorted to self-violence. Jei Win's grief and her feeling of a lack of control over her own life were bottomless. The family entered counseling at their agency with a Chinese interpreter. Although Jei Win did begin to accept that she had not been kidnapped, her anger towards her adoptive parents did not diminish. Unfortunately, in the 2nd month after the adoption, Bill was diagnosed with cancer.

Cut-off from their formerly loving adoption parents e-mail lists, and with only the sympathy of her family and not any understanding, Joyce felt depressed, isolated, and unable to cope.

"I wasn't in a place to parent this grieving, special little girl. I was failing her, the rest of my family and now my husband had cancer and we were fighting every day about what would be the best outcome for all of us," shared Joyce.

In the end, Joyce and Bill were part of the process of approving a new adoptive family and transitioning Jei Win to the family.

"Jei Win is now so much happier. Maybe we could have made it if Bill hadn't gotten sick, but I don't think so. In her mind, we had personally destroyed her world. She needed a fresh start, and as it turned out, Bill's physical needs would dominate our family for a very long time. We still hear from her family often." says Joyce, "But the truth is, no one understands this except someone who had had to make this difficult choice. "

It is a common understanding, and definitely counseled to all families adopting children from institutions, that there will be delayspossibly eating or learning disorders and definitely behavior issues that will need to be worked through.

For Diane and Matthew Kramer , their 8-year-old son from Russia embodied many of these. But all were manageable. Nicolas came to them as a small, but very bright and definitely willing to bond little boy. Although strong willed, Nicolas was very clear on who his mama and papa were right from the start. He was thrilled to be adopted and exhibited very few behavioral issues. But as the months went by, Diane and Matthew both felt the strain of unreached expectations.

"I guess we just thought we would love him sooner," revealed Matthew. "He obviously is crazy about us, but I just find myself coming home from a long day at work and wishing he would calm down "

Meanwhile, Diane felt the need to make up for Matthew's lack of involvement. "I know how Matthew feels, but it's a stress on me to try to be two loving parents when he isn't willing to put for the effort."

The couple was lucky to be able to be open and honest, and to be part of an adoption support group in their community. "We're told to fake it until the emotions kick in, and that's what we are doing."

Will they disrupt the adopiton? "NO!" Say both parents.

"Nicolas is ours. We like him and truly care for him, and he adores us. He is our son. The love will come. It's only been a few months, and already things are feeling more normal, like a family. I know in my head it is just about adjustingbut I'm living it, so the 'knowing' and the 'doing' are not always in-line with one another."

Some of the behaviors reported as significant reasons adoptive parents chose to disrupt an adoption were:

•  Stealing
•  Eating disorders
•  Psychological disorders
•  Precocious sexual behavior (due to a history of sexual abuse)
•  Cruelty
•  Disobedience
•  Safety concerns

In a recent survey on AdoptBlogger.com , readers participated in a poll about Adoption Disruptions. The question asked was:

"Would You Ever Disrupt Your Adoption? "

161 people responded, with the following results

  • Under no circumstances would I ever disrupt the adoption of my child: 37% (59 votes)
  • Even if I wanted to, the embarrassment/grief would keep me from actually disrupting: 9% (14 votes)
  • Yes, under certain circumstances (hurting others in family, attachment disorder, etc) I would disrupt an adoption: 55% (88 votes)

It is interesting to note, that despite loud upheaval from activists in the adoption community, stating that most families would never disrupt, this poll shows that in fact a majority would consider doing so. But that also leaves up a wide and ugly question:

Do families who adopt feel that the children are returnable?

No, I would have to say, absolutely not, says Vicki Polinski, a social worker in the adoption field. "If anything, we are seeing a downward trend in adoption disruption for all children under age 9 years. For children adopted in their teen years, the numbers remain steady." The reason for this change?." I think parents are more prepared these days. If they request an older or special needs child, they both self-prepare and are open to educational and supportive opportunities. "

Disruption of a child is never a lightly made decision. For those who have happily adopted, it remains horrifying and an unspeakable shame. For those who have adopted many children, it may be seen as something understandable in some situations.

In the end, the disruption may be the best thing for both the child and the adoptive parents but there are bound to be some emotional wounds from the experience. In addition, the adoptive family will not be allowed to simply return the child to the adoption agency. Many are asked to find another family willing to adopt their child. Some are asked to pay child support if the child returns to an agency. However, when the disruption takes place, it's important for the child and family to get counseling, resolve the hurt, and to realize that mismatches can happen.

*All names have been changed to protect families.

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Readers Comments  (83 Comments)  View All Comments
I am saddend to hear that disruption is so common. We are in the middle of adopting a 15 yr old who was adopted internationally 2 1/2 yrs ago by another family. I'm not totally sure what went wrong there. I have heard them and heard her. I went on the search to find a support group or other forms of support to aid us in this adoption. She is doing well for now but we want to be able to continue with the strides we have made. I know there will be issues and would hope to be prepared.- mom of many
as an adoptive parent of two internationally adopted children (Guatemala) I cannot relate to some of these stories - I would no more disrupt my adoptions than cut off my arm - I do say that it was probably easier for me as I adopted my girls as newborns - they were both safely home in their cribs at 3 months. so so sad for the children involved in these disruptions -- mcccmar
listen inetrnational adoption is not easy but when you decid to adopt you put your self in the situation and deal with the prblems . you dont just hate the child for not being normal. this united states adoption process is relly messed up. you do not desalute an adoption its harmful for the child and parents.- alex henthorn
B4 you terminate rights or negate the adoption in any way, please read the book, " When Love isn't enough". It's about attachment disorder which many adoped and foster kids have. I've found that the higher the intelligence level, the more severe the attachment disorder is. This book is an absolutely fantastic reference to help you work through the defiance and manipulative behaviors that show up only after you have these children in your home.- Anne
We would love to adopt a girl...preferably age 5 or younger. We have all boys - one adopted privately. We would love to talk with someone who is having a hard time with their adoption and/or wanting help finding a placement for their child. We are a very loving and patient family who is willing and able!!- Lisa
We adopted our 7 yr.girl 2 yrs. ago. We knew nothing of her mental illnesses. We had to have her hospitalized, etc. for RAD, PSTD, Adjustment d/o, ADHD & hearing voices. She attacks on me & others. Our family is in 'crisis mode' shattered & hearts broken. Disruption is what we are now considering. No one should live like this, and no one should judge. Sadly our agency was NO support but told us we would have criminal charges if we do. Its a no no win situation! :(- A Sad Moma
Adoption is great, however adoption agencies should train A.Parents as they prepare policemen, without proper training they can not go on the field. Be bold to talk about the children emotional disturbances that can rise from FASD, RAD,. A child can not afford to be placed in a home by some deceiving agencies who only care for the money without giving real state support for the whole family. Governments only save money instead of providing truly services for emotional disturbed children.- Anonymous
to anonymus in Missouri. You do not need an attorney. you have to contact the dept. of children and families or dept. of children and youth (diff. name depending on state). They deal with foster care. they will take your child and place him in a temporary preadoptive home. If a family is found you can have your parental terminated. At his age he will probably not get adopted but the foster care case worker would be the one to help you.- marian
My son is now 19, we adopted him at 12. At 18 he made it very apparent he wants nothing to do with us. He has RAD. He is a con man, a user, and and abuser. He has no regard for people nor their feelings. to him everyone and everything is for his use and abuse. I do understand disolving adoptions. He has hurt and destroyed many people with his charming personality. When he is the kindest most sympathetic, that is when he hits you with the most cruel actions immaginable.- Anonymous
I have a 14 yr. old I want to disrupt. She shows RADism traits, and recently cut herself, she is in therapy, home 8 months from a EE country, spoke Russian, good English now, on antidepressant. I have younger children at home, and shoudl never have done an older child adoption. If you are interested, please email E's Mom.- Anonymous
I am in the midst of disrupting an adoption. We have all tried to make it work. I have two adopted children. One has worked out well. The second child was 11 when she moved in. She has said from day one that I was not the right mom. she has been in out of home placement for 8 months. Just yesterday I met with DHS and it was agreed that the time has come to terminate. It is heartbreaking. I will always love her, but I have to protect my other child. We ALL heed a fresh start.- Anonymous
I am in the midst of disrupting an adoption. We have all tried to make it work. I have two adopted children. One has worked out well. The second child was 11 when she moved in. She has said from day one that I was not the right mom. she has been in out of home placement for 8 months. Just yesterday I met with DHS and it was agreed that the time has come to terminate. It is heartbreaking. I will always love her, but I have to protect my other child. We ALL heed a fresh start.- Anonymous
- Sad parent- I think you're being too hard on yourself. The kinds of parents who cause problems for their adopted children are the ones who put themselves first by trying to create a picture perfect 'happy' home, which is not necessarily the same thing as a loving one. I'm sorry you're depressed, but unless you no longer want to put your child first (and from your post you obviously do), it won't cause you to fail as a mother.- Anonymous
I don't want to pass judgement on anybody, in some cases it is needed, but I'm not adopted and I had many issues like these as a child and even today at 27 I still struggle with not feeling wanted or loved on a daily basis, so just imagine how these kids feel after feeling this with 2 or more different families. In some cases there is no other option, especially where rediculous laws come into play, but put yourself in the child's shoes before making such drastic decisions.- Ashley
We are in the middle of a disruption with our son who just turned 3. From the moment of adoption, there was no bonding or feelings on my part. Since we had already adopted, I knew it wasn't for that reason. Right after arriving home, it was apparent that he had some pretty severe issues including some brain damage that we were not aware of. After 7 months, we talked with some friends who were willing to take him. It has been a month now and we are doing great and so is our son.- Teresa
My 15 y/o does not to live with me anymore. He is out of parental control. After years of struggle, I want him out of my home. When I ask for help I'm told to get a lawyer, and they have no idea what the process is. Please help me. I live in Missouri.- Anonymous
This is a good article but it does not touch on the problem of placing agencies who must know that the children in their care have difficult behaviours of various sorts. Is it possible to educate them with regard to the unfortunate consequences for all concerned of not disclosing such important information to prospective parents? It seems as if virtually every adopter who dissrupted had no idea what problems they were taking on when they adopted.- Elizabeth Yap
My daughter, adopted at 8 yo domestically, is now 38. She had an extremely unstable childhood before that. We had such a difficult time and I have felt SO GUILTY for wanting to "give her back" at the time. She left home when she was only 16, but I still tried to always "be there" for her, no matter what, through the years. Eventually, we have pretty much worked through it all. She has given me 3 grandkids and, in time, has done so much better than I EVER expected given her challenges.- Anon
how do you find out about adoption through or after disruption?- judy
continue...I don't know what goes on under your skull. The only thing I know is my prespective. I can offer that to you. I can offer my opinion from my prespective and I can do that without passing judment, without being condescending or without malice. I can lend you my should, allow you to bend my ear and I can offer that with love, kindness and with the prayer of peace for you.- judy
Hello, Basically my point is, no one has a right to judge, regardless of the topic or situation. I don't know what you are capable of, your strengths, weaknesses, your morals, morays or values.- judy
I'm from the States. My stepmom adopted me when I moved to live with her and my dad (I was 18 when moving in with them, I'm 24 now). However, because my parents (mom, dad & stepmom) are emotionally/mentally abusive, I feel she's better as just my stepmom then a legal parent. (By the way, my mom does NOT know about the adoption!) Is there a way I can dissolve the adoption on my own with a lawyer? Thanks in advance for any advice!- Karolina
what about sever post adoption depression? I'm so sad and feel that our adopted child could be in a happy loving home that I cannot provide at this point.... ~sad parent- anon
I adopted my son from foster care when he was 9. He was diagnosed w/RAD, but together we made excellent process. At 14, however, he developed severe probs; he is likely to be diagnosed w BPD next week. We love him so much, but he is killing our family. I know our home is the safest place for him, but I have other kids to consider too. He would leave in an instant if he had a place to go to.- Anon
We too are facing possible disruption and are having a hard time dealing with negative reactions from family and friends. How did others deal with this situation? There were safety issues and the child is not legally allowed to return so we feel 'stuck'!- Anonymous
I will never judge another family on this. My youngest daughter has been home for six months, and it has been hell. My biggest hell is knowing that I can't disrupt but really hoping that my agency will call and say "Sorry, we made a mistake. She belongs to someone else." How can this possibly be good for my daughter? A child deserves to be loved.- Anonymous
Suggestion; for all those who have not parented a severly disturbed child, before you judge that person, be willing to parent their child for awhile. After all, God knows we need a break! I still believe in adoption after fostering and adopting 6 kids from the system. It isn't easy! We didn't disrupt but did have a child end up in residential care for most of his teen years. He is now adult, schisophrenic and bipolar.- Hope
We have a 13 year old boy who is doing really well. We adopted him Russia almost three years ago, but primarily because of my husband's health we can't continue with him. We would like to find a family for him. How can I go about listing him. Thanks,- Anonymous
Since comment length is limited, You can read about our disruption on the website Open Salon. My user name is yakkygirl and the article is Please don't mention the circus. Best of luck to all...- anonymous
We disrupted the adoption of our daughter, 4 years after we brought her from Bulgaria. She had FAS (unbeknown to us when we adopted her) and we tried our best.... but it wasn't enough. Disrupting nearly killed us from the heartbreak. If you are thinking about disruption, it's OK and their can even be a happy ending... We adopted a baby boy (domestically) two years later and he is now two and the light of our lives....- anonymous
my name is alex im now 22 years old and sadly my family has abandond me and i ahve not seen them in about 6 yaers. i was adopted internationly from bulgaaira and need some sugetions on what to do when loss of a family- alex
We have a 16 year old boy adopted from the FS system who at 13 sexually molested our infant, 6 and 7 year old. After 3 years of treatment in corrections and residential nobody knows what to do with him and we are to be charged with child abandonment or find an attorney to dissolve the adoption. We are being threatened on all sides. Man life sucks when you have been conned by the State.- Anonymous
it is not wrong to disrupt as long as you find your child a home better suited for it, i believe.- Anonymous
Our bio siblings needed separation from each other due to their troubled relationship. One wanted all my attention so I could not care for our other children, and they were emotionally abusive and controlling to them. Life was chaos or constant policing. Therapists said to disrupt, but it took years. We want to adopt again but are afraid of not being allowed after disrupting.- anonymous
What a world it would be if we all had compassion and love for those of our brothers and sisters who are struggling. I placed my daughter shortly after arriving home with her, for both of us. Love brought her home, Love found her a forever family, and Love helped all of us involved recover and move forward. My daughter was not the problem, she wasn't prepared and there was no way anyone could have prepared me for the trauma we both experienced. My love for her has never been disrupted.woaini- Anonymous
If Gentry, who posted from Charlotte, checks this message please post again. I am in the area and experiencing the possibility of disruption also. It is a very sad situation at times, and a nightmare at others. A- Anonymous
I feel that it is important to note that there are times when every parent regrets having a child whether adopted or biological. I know that when my son was born I thought at least 100 times a day "what was I thinking?". Now I cannot imagine life without him. It takes time to bond whether it is a biological child or an adoptive child. So if there are no life-threatening or dangerous issues then I would give the relationship time to form.- Courtney
I begged my husband to adopt his half sister's 12 yr old son, he will be 18 soon, he was kicked out of the boyscouts for hurting another child, he threw an explosive into a campfire while boys were cooking (the explosive was given to him after arriving at the campsite). He has hurt my biological son in a manner that he may not be able to father children in the future, he is not allowed to take Jr. ROTC at school- bg
we have been home for 4 weeks with our nearly 10 year old daughter from Vietnam. Honestly, it has been a nightmare. Hitting, kicking, punching, hair pulling, pinching, attempted biting, spitting, and attempted assault with a knife. We are seriously considering adoption disruption for this little girl, and our for our family's sanity. We don't know where to start, though....the state? DSS?- Anonymous
We adopted 1+yrs & have been suffering our bio kids are suffering & acting out they see violence & view it as reality & it must be ok if the older one does it We P's have gone to counseling every week, adopted dd went 3x's & refuses to go Now Due to self injuries anger mngement issues destructive & defiant behavior she is hospitalized, she has threatened to kill us- our last resort is disruption prevention- If that doesn't work we have to disrupt- no more money- love is not always enough- sad,angry,scared,mom-karen
I would like to know if anyone has a lawyer in the Charlotte, North Carolina area who has done a disruption, dissolution? We need help. God bless you all for trying to make the lives better for these kids.- Gentry
I just have a question what happens if the entire reason for an international adoption's disruption is that they want to return to their birth country. Can they go back?- Desha
I am a MSW for the State, and have adopted children from the US, and Guam. Some of these children have tried our family in so many ways, and the resources are not out there to help. I am not allowed to discuss this since I am the SW, so when I deal with families who disrupt their adoptions I totally "GET IT!" Remember the saying "WALK A MILE IN MY SHOES?" Well until you do, do not speak with fork in tongue. Those who have never experienced it are the most critical.- Anonymous
I have five adopted kids, three of which are siblings. Of the five two were infants from the hospital and three were older, ages 3,5,9. The older ones came from severe abuse situations and it was a living nightmare in our home. The oldest of the siblings is now 17, schizophernic, DD, sexually acts out, and is agressive. Although I never disrupted the adoption he had to be placed in a group home for treatment, and this has been hard on my marriage. Do not judge until you have walked the walk!- Anonymous
We disrupted our adoption after the medical costs became so high that we could no longer support our 5 children. We tried everything we could think of and asked for help everywhere. It is questionable, even though we picked a new family for our kids if the new parents will keep their promise to let us know how the kids are doing. It hurts just like the kids had died. There is not much support from the adoption community. There is much more to my story than I can share here. Much pain. - Anonymous
this kids come from the worst of the worst situations. i sometimes feel the SW where my son came from is laughing all the way (we got him out of our state) the school system refuses to help, makes things worse. with the RAD behaviors he works his way out of treatment. It has been a living nightmare. Until you have spent 2 weeks with him, you have no right to judge any parent who distrupts adoption- Anonymous
I HAVE ADOPTED THREE CHILDREN AND ONE IS FROM AN INTERNATIONAL ADOPTION, WE WORK HARD EVERYDAY TO OVERCOME HER DISABILITIES. THERE ARE DAYS THAT I WONDER IF WE'VE MADE ANY PROGRESS AND THEN THERE ARE DAYS THAT I KNOW SHE HAS. SHE HAS HAD A HARD BONDING BECAUSE HER ORIGINAL ADOPTIVE PARENTS TOLD HER THEY WOULD BE HER FOREVER PARENTS AND SHE ISN'T CAPABLE OF UNDERSTANDING WHY SHE WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM. IT IS SAD. - BJ
I have a child with RAD. I have placed him outside the home for a year to try and get him the help he needed. The amount of money I have spent to get him the help he needs is alarming. After the lastest incident I am looking at trying to find him a long term group home however it is nearly impossibly. I now feel the rest of the children can no longer take the strain placed on them to try and keep him in the home. Because of past cost I no longer have the money for long term care . HELP - Alle
From an adoptees' POV, this article is extremely disturbing. These children are being talked about like anti-social dogs being returned to the pound. All of the behaviours that prompt disruption are tragically common amongst adoptees and as such, adoptive parents should suck it up and take responsibility for the child and his/her problems. The fact is that the bonding that occurs between natural parents and their children is physically impossible for adoptees and adoptive parents. - Kate Reinke
Quite possibly the decision to disrupt is made in the best interest of the child. The child could be terribly unhappy in the household and placing them in another family that is better able to meet their needs is done out of love for that child. Wouldn't it harm the child more to struggle with them for years and THEN disrupt? If the disruption is done within months instead of years, that child has a chance of recovering sooner & attaching to the new family. There's more than 1 way to look@it- Anonymous
I can understand why parents who have disrupted are signing Anonymous to protect their identities, but why are some others also Anonymous? If they have such a strong opinion about disruption and are so quick to cast judgment on parents who have had to make such a difficult decision, why aren't they brave enough to state their names? - Anonymous
I think it's very difficult to put many of the children from these disruptions or disolutions in the same category. There is a significant difference with a family who has chosen to parent a child for say 4 years and worked with professional etc than the families who have a child for 3 days or 3 months. The later are the families who make it difficult for all of us who adopt. Not to mention what they do to the children.- Anonymous
We adopted our daughter from China at 17 months. After almost four years we found out she had RAD. Those years were so hard on my marriage and our 3 bio kids. Many times I thought of divorce (she totally attatched to husband, who thought I was the big problem. He has since apologized profusely) of disruption. Then, we found therapists from Heaven who only see children with attatchment problems. She is now 8 years old and a totally normal kid. But it was SOOO hard at the time. I love her- Kim
We disrupted our second adoption 3 days after receiving the child - she was extremely ill and had no chance for recovery. My husband and I were mid-forties and simply not equipted for the situation. We received a new placement, but it was after much grief and soul searching and sorrow and loss - and a feeling of overwhelming failure. These families that feel they must disrupt need the support of the adoption community - not judgement and condemnation. - Lynnie
Thank you Rainbow Kids for introducing this topic. We adopted two children after they disrupted from their first American placement. That was almost three years ago. Although the disruption and the following 13 months in foster care was traumatic for both children, they are thriving today. In this situation, disruption was the best choice for all involved; especially the children. - Beckie S.
Thank you Rainbow Kids for introducing this topic. We adopted two children after they disrupted from their first American placement. That was almost three years ago. Although the disruption and the following 13 months in foster care was traumatic for both children, they are thriving today. In this situation, disruption was the best choice for all involved; especially the children. - Beckie S.
Robbye, Good points, but I also am very glad to see this topic featured here. Too many adoption publications or professionals shy away from addressing this issue.- Jennifer W.
I understand the 'weak' part, but I think that I understand this article to be about introducing the idea of disruption in a guilt-free way. I know that when I think of disruption, I am horrified that any family could consider it. But we have only adopted one very young duaghter, and certainly never walked in the shoes of a family struggling to parent a child with severe issues.- Anonymous
I also think this article is a bit weak. 4 years ago I adopted 2 children. Both turned out to have developmental disabilities, one has severe RAD and is sexually predatory, and the other has moderate RAD. Both have extreme behavior problems. We have gone though endless attachment therapy, and exhausted all available resourses. I feel we haven't disrupted due to realizing we would be austrasized. Each day most of my energy just goes to keeping everyone safe. I do feel love for them.- RB
I dont know if I was clear in my first comment. I have adopted 5 kids from american families who have disrupted. I choose open adoption and I'm isregular contact with first Families, who I love dearly and without them I would not have my kids now.To me they are the Birth parents.- Peggy T
Unless you've walked in their shoes, you are in no position to criticize these families. What if the child was depressed or angry all the time and you couldn't comfort them, no matter how hard you tried? Sometimes a painful decision is made so that the child can be placed in a family that's better able to meet their needs. This article is meant to educate readers about disruption, not to judge those who have had to make such a gut-wrenching decision. Don't judge lest you be judged.- Anonymous
I agree that there is a lack of support for families that disrupt, however I felt that the examples in the article were pretty weak and would not win too much sympathy. Many will have a hard time sympathizing with those who disrupt because of a "mis-match" feeling. I would have liked to have seen examples from those families who really made a commitment to their children and then who realized that their child could not be healed and made the difficult decision to disrupt. - Robbye
"Disruption of a child is never a lightly made decision." I was glad to see this as a part of the article. I believe those who judge without having gone through this themselves do not always realize the agony and deep consideration that goes into making such a choice. Sadly, not all of those who reach out are offered support; instead, they may be made to feel like pariahs in the adoption community. Regardless, I'm pleased to see it as a topic that is being discussed more openly. - Christina
I know the anonymous poster who disrupted her adoption of her daughter (and adopted out of birth order and had artificial twinning). In that case, she did not seek out professional help, support from the adoption community etc. She only had her daughter home for 3 months. I simply do not feel her daughter was given a chance, nor do I feel 3 months is enough time to determine a "mis-match". I believe additional education should be required so more disruptions are prevented.- Anonymous
Well written and non judgemental, I look forward to future elaborations on areas of this topic.- gbb
Well written and non judgemental, I look forward to future elaborations on areas of this topic.- gbb
I really enjoyed the article. My husband and I have adopted 5 children from Russia. It has been really hard. 3 of our children we are really attached to and 2 not so much. (we still fake it)It is nice to know that everything is not perfect and that other families feel the way we do. I am all for adoption and although we have questioned whether or not disruption would be a good choice for us we are glad we did not. - Lisa
I work with adoptive families whose children exhibit attachment, PTSD, or core adoption issue behaviors. It would be dificult to express how devestated many of these families are. Disrupted or dissolved adoptions are not all that rare. While I appreciate an article that is not judgemental towards families who disrupt, it leaves so much unsaid that misunderstandings might still abound even after reading this article. - Patty
I have 5 kids rom EE who have disrupted and I often get calls to take more. I think there are more disruptions than people want to Know.I think and have seen agencys more concerned for numbers and dollors than for the families and kids The family net work is one agency that I think really beleives in training their families and being honest in telling some families if a child is not a good match.. - Peggy T
Our son disrupted our adoption by walking out on us at 18 and never looking back. We haven't heard from him in two years. He was adopted at 13 from Bulgaria and simply never attached. He doesn't even know what family means, sadly. We tried, and that is a comfort.- Mark
Failure to disrupt in some cases is to abandon your responsibilities to bio children who never asked for their homes to be destroyed.- Barb
I'm pleased to read an article that doesn't cast judgment on those who have disrupted. We dissolved our daughter's adoption recently and got a lot of flack from the adoption community. People who I thought were my friends turned their backs on me. They have no idea what we went through and are in no position to judge. It would have been helpful to also discuss some of the risk factors in disruption such as artificial twinning and adopting out of birth order (both applied to our case). - Anonymous
Nice article. I feel lucky that have always been able to say that my adoptions were not a mistake. While I adore my children, I would not wish them on my worse enemy. We would have never made it if I was married or had other children. Hopefully someday there will be some understanding from society for those who have to disrupt. - C
It has been difficult for me to bond with our son who was adopted at the age of 4 years internationally. I was unable to be the there for him as a nurturer and I grieve that lack of connection we still are working to build. I keep reminding myself of the fact that he didn't choose to be abandoned or placed in an orphanage or in our family for that matter. - Laura
We adopted an 8-year-old girl from Asia and we would have disrupted in about the 2nd year had we felt we had a choice. She was not physically abusive, but we had no feelings for her and she was a handful. It has now been 7 years, she is 15 years old and we are SO GLAD we did not disrupt. Things got better after the 3rd year and we are now a bonded family. - Anonymous
We chose to disrupt for the sake and safety of our other children. We also knew that our daughter needed a lot of one on one attention and to be in a family where she was the main focus and center of attention. It has been more than two years since our disruption and she is doing much better with her new family. I really believe that she always looked at us as the "bad guys" who took her away from her "real" family. Our family has healed!- Anonymous
We did not disrupt, though we would have for the safety of the other kids. Our teen daughter sexually molested our preschooler, threatened and attempted to kill us, and was physically agressive. She attempted to blow up the house and our church. Doctors, DSS, and the police all told us we needed to get her out of our house. Fortunately, we found a wonderful home for kids with RAD for her. She loves it there and is doing well. Our other kids are healing from the terror.- Anonymous
Rainbow kids has certainly taken on some controversial topics this month! My only comment here is this: What parent, even those with bio kids, hasn't wondered how they ended up with a certain child? I have three teens right now and feel some days like they are really small bombs waiting to explode. - Frances
(cont. 3).I would have terminated her adoption if it wasn't for the support of my family and her counselor. There were times when I couldn't even stand to look at her, like the article said I faked it when I couldn't feel it. The funny thing is, I fell madly in love with her the moment I laid eyes on her. Later, when I gave birth to my son--I felt nothing. So its not just adopted parents that don't feel warm and fuzzy upon meeting their child, it just takes awhile to bond sometimes. - Anonymous
continued...I can't even bring myself to type about. She ran away right after her 18th birthday and decided living on the streets would be better than having a 2am curfew with us. We are still committed to her; but when we meet with her it is always at a public place and we don't bring the other kids. I don't want to discourage other people from adopting older children. I know of several couples who have adopted teenagers and it has gone very well... continued again augggh!- Kally
I went into the adoption of our oldest daughter (she was 13 at the time) thinking with love, counseling and consistency we could overcome anything. That was 8 years ago; I am much wiser now. I will give you a small list of what we went through: she threatened to kill me and my husband in our sleep, she stole things, she was arrested a few times, and finally she was kicked out of three different schools. There were so many things that we went through ---continued in another space- Kally
Actually, it isn't grammatical mistakes, it's format. We are working on the problem of our system not allowing certain punctuation marks. Thank you for your patience.- Martha O
The article itself is good, but there are many grammatical mistakes and misspellings. This makes it somewhat difficult to take seriously. - Anonymous
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